I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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