I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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