that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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