You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
