If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
