You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
