People with herpes should wear stickers.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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