3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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