So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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