Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
