break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
