I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
