it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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