if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
