11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
