he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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