I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
