I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
