i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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