I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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