i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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