R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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