Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
