So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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