I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
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It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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