So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
