Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need to calm my uterus...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
