remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
