I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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