would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
