I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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