I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
