It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
