Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
