Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
