Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Your face is a jimmy john
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
