apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Randomize
