And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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