Can i not drive my cunt home
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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