we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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