Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
