You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
