In America we eat man semen.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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