If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
