Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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