It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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