since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
