your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
