We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
