Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
