my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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