I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
